Oh how I do love the wonderful joy ..and pain of the mighty 2x4 of God. I think I've been emotionally ...ducking this oh so pleasant, pounding pain. The ache of being satiated. Full on nothing. Apathetic. I have been given, today, a spiritual enima. LOL! I want to hunger and thirst once more for his righteousness. I just gotta get all the um crap I've put in my life outta' the way.
This recent spiritual trough was most unpleasant. I've got to let go of this damn buoy of self reliance on which I'm so desperately trying to cling. I know that I can not keep my head above water and that God alone will keep me afloat and yet every day I try to wrestle the water by myself. OK that's a lot of mumbo jumbo just to say I've messed up and been very unwilling to look at my sins for what they are and let them go. I've paid my conscience a good bit of bribe money in the currency of dignity and self respect to look the other way. I've once again compromised my principles and integrity on selfish stupidity. Why do I have to be so damn weak!
Broken. God is too good to me. I hurt him so much and yet here he is. He is the only thing I truly have. I don't have a friend like him, no family member would put up with a third of the shit I try to dish him, no mentor can teach me half of what he tries to instill, no ammount of money could do anything for me and I definitely can't rely on myself for anything. He is all there is.